Patient: I know, but I dont know the rest of the song!, The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot and hits with his third. Error occurred when generating embed. The Best Dirty Jokes You Can Tell To Create Good Memories with Family and Friends. With that particular disease, theres no discomfort of any kind.Oh no! gasped the patient. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. That will be $500." Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria . A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. AIMS offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. A dirty laugh borne out of a dirty joke will help you get by. He needs an infusion whats his blood type? Here are our favorite picks: I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school? It will be better in two weeks." Why didnt Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot. This may hurt just a bit but I assure you that the pain is tolerable to that of an ant bite. That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen. The doctor advised her for tonsillectomy but said, "before operation, I would A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. Post Operative: A letter carrier, Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery 10: You grow on people.so does cancer. You've got your memory back. A few drinks later, t A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. I had no words. The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. It's just a small scalpel incision. 5 New Will to Live. Please check link and try again. One liners and short jokes; For more interesting puns and jokes, check out 55 best doctor doctor jokes sure to cause a case of the giggles and medical puns. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. 4. ""3:30 who? What dont you want to hear in the middle of surgery?Wheres my watch?, Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.Doctors father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills legibly., A skeleton went to the doctor.The doctor looked at the skeleton and said, Arent you a little late?. You're a rebel without a Claus. Doctor: Mr. Me: Were they fast as lightning?, Patient: No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really) all-natural medical humor. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital""Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that. Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! Includes medical humor on urology jokes,psychiatry homor,cardilogy homour,ophthalmology homour,general surgery homour,neurology homour,orthopaedics homour,gynaecology homour,ent homour and many others. ", The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. I don't have a carbon footprint. One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming pool. The Bored Panda iOS app is live! What will happen to her?Eventually, said the doctor. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. By queensland university of technology. One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. That's not how it works! Why did the witch go to the doctor?She had a dizzy spell. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor?He kept feeling jumpy. Dr. Young: "Aaagh! Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered. An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up. ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? We have sent an email to the address you provided with an activation link. These amazing nurse jokes will give you a good belly laugh. Patient: I always see spots before my eyes., Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. Barium: What doctors do when patients die. ", Patient: They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop. The Egyptian man says, "Oh, the pills are worth it my wife isn't. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!, Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. One snatches your watch. "I recently came into a bunch of money.which is strange for me, I usually just use a paper towel . ", 6. Medical Dirty Jokes. Q: What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? ", A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months.The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: "You had twins, a boy and a girl. What about the boy? My son swallowed a razor-blade.Dont panic, Im coming immediately. See his answers: 1. Love sharing with your friends and family? I heard he really made a spectacle out of himself.". Funny medical one/two liners that really caught my attention. Why did the Dalmatian go to the eye doctor? "Doctor: "The good news is the surgery was successful. Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the viagra. Because you're making me drool. A woman goes into labor with her child. Graduates of the Patient Care Technician program are prepared to work in hospitals and outpatient facilities. Therefore, she had a facelift, a tummy tuck, and died her hair before exiting the hospital.After her tummy tuck was over, she was released from the hospital. When the last young nurse said she worked as a nurse at an HMO, St Peter said, "You can go to heaven too." He complies, and moments later, the nurse comes back into the room with the results. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?Hopefully not your doctor. And your brother named them for you. Doctor, please hurry. What's the worst part of an apple addiction? This helps a little. (of a nuclear weapon) Producing considerable radioactive fallout. A guy and a girl met at a bar. "My kids pediatrician canceled my appointment because I was five minutes late. Right before surgery the surgeon says, "Relax, Jim. A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. Here are 20+ radiology memes certain to ease your stress: 1. Whats the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what they treat. I havent heard from him since.". The doctor says, "I see. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens.". When the examination was complete, he said, "I can take it. "Mam: "Wait, what are you trying to say? Yeah, I thought so too. Why did the grasshopper go to the doctor? Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. But it costs just as much., A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.Nonsense, scolded the doctor. Patient was found in bed with her power mower. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. Patient: 'Great! A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of cough syrup.Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks, Well? The best medical jokes One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed. Why does miss piggy douche with honey? Pharmacist: Person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. I'm desperate!""Aha!'' !Nurse: B positive.Doctor: Im trying, but hes lost a lot of blood., "Knock, knock. 3. A man dropped a knife and cut off his toe. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993. Answer: Only if you aim it well enough. A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. ""Yes, says the doctor. Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". 4. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. More Dirty Jokes. A friend of mine was destined to be an osteopath. ", Nurse: Doctor! You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. My love for you is so strong it can't be dialyzed. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog., Patient: Will this ointment clear up my spots?, Patient: Doctor, I think Ive been bitten by a vampire., Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a carrot.. Doctor: "If that stomach was on a woman she'd have to be pregnant". Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. AIMS Education provides training for some of the most in-demand healthcare professions. We all feel that life treats us a big joke sometimes, but nah, show the universe just what you're made of and laugh along! No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. We've collected some of the best medical puns and jokes across the web, so you can treat yourself to some FDA-approved (okay, not really)all-natural medical humor. "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. She told me to stop going to those places. The practice of medicine covers many types of jobs and treatments. ", A pirate goes to the doctor and says, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im going to die in 59 seconds!Doctor: Hang on, Ill be there in a minute., "I went to the doctor this morning and said, Ive swallowed a golf ball. The doctor said, Yes, I can see its gone down a fairway.", The doctor stood by the bedside of a very sick patient and said, I cannot hide the fact that you are very ill. Is there anyone you would like to see?Yes, replied the patient faintly. She took down his name, address, medical insurance number, and told him to have a seat.A few minutes later, a nurses aid came out. Patient: Doctor, doctor, Im addicted to brake fluid.Doctor: Nonsense you can stop anytime., Patient: Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?That depends on whether or not the bulb has health insurance. That will be $500." You know how they say that laughter prolongs life? But he changed my mind. Giving people toilet paper is no longer . My wife is pregnant, and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before. "We need a 4th for poker""I'll be right over" says the doctor. Instead of manually entering the email addresses you want to send to each and every time, you can now create your own personalized contact list that will be available for you to use any time you want to share one of our posts with your friends and family. So we started telling people that he'd been killed by a colon parasite. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon.". We have to open you back up.Patient: Are you kidding me?! Man: "It was, and she is". The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. ""I made a doctors appointment for 3:30 p.m. Let me in!". A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. The man feels nothing. ", "After my prostate exam, the doctor left. No, thats not an epi-pen in my pants. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I stood on a LEGO!Doctor: Try to block out the pain., Doctor: "I've got good news, and bad news. Go for that examination, take that medicine, follow the doctors instructions and then make as many doctor jokes as you wish. The doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didnt help. "Doctor: "You now have a Tic-Tac toe. ", An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. i was talking to your girlfriend.. One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. Jones: Oh jeez, I guess Ill take the bad news first.Doctor: The bad news doctor notes, is that I got your test results, and you have 24 hours to live.Mr. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Me: Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?, Patient: Yes, and I told them to just swing at the air, not hit the door. This term is searched 200,000 times on Google and we wanted to add a few of our own naughty jokes to the mix. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, whats wrong? Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. The police put out an alert to look for the two hardened criminals. The next week the old lady returns. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God.Is my time up? she asked him.No, God answered, you still have 40 years, 5 months, and 3 days to live.Upon recovery, the woman felt sublime. A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain all over her body.I hurt all over, she said.What do you mean all over? the doctor asked, Can you be a little more specific?The woman proceeded to touch her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts. Then her nose and yelled again, Ouch! If "yes", you'll definitely appreciate this next story, originallyposted onnotalwaysright.com. email addresses were disqulified from the list and couldn't be sent. But I stand corrected. Turns out the doctor is schizophrenic, and he is talking to his evil reflection. Doctor, i have a serious memory problem.i cant remember anything! Score: 2. We have to open you back up., A bicycle rolls into the doctors office. Submitted By: N.S.Srivatsan | Current Rating: 3.1. What type of bird gives the best head? What is the difference between god and an orthopedic surgeon. But I refused. Any idea what it could be?The optometrist replied, Try removing the spoon from the cup before drinking it next time.. While on the operating table, she came very close to death and had the opportunity to speak with God. If you'd like to enjoy some moremedical humor, one linersandfunny hospital jokes, be sure to check out our collection ofmedical puns. What part of the body did the chiropractor fix when Eminem came in? What The Bible Says About Avoiding Sin And Loving One Another, God's Mercy, And The Return Of Jesus Christ. They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. 82.44 % / 2043 votes. I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! Patient: "Someone vandalized my house last night!". ", One day, a man stumbled into his doctors office with a terrible cold. ", Doctor: You have high blood pressure and amnesia.Patient: Well, at least I dont have high blood pressure!. #77. What will happen to her?" Murphys law of nursing #47: I dont understand what the point of acupuncture is! The Egyptian man says, "No, not worth it." Joke #8: "Differences Between Graduate Nurse and Experienced Nurses". That's a huge miscommunication! A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. My arms are very tired. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away?Only if you aim it well enough! An apple keeps everyone away if you throw it hard enough. Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." A son tells his father: you know, you could do better.. Both friends - doctor and engineer- were in love for the same girl. A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual check-up. That also hurts. Then she touched her left earlobe and yelled again, Even that hurts doc.After examining her, the doctor came to a conclusion the woman had a broken finger. Then she looks at its eyes. A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? Let's make music on my sheets. Did you hear about the Obstetrician who became a stand-up comedian? a licensed medical practitioner; "I felt so bad I went to see my doctor". Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. He states "I just hit a flying animal. Enjoy! ", Man: "Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!

Alan Pardew Wife, Articles D