And quite frankly, compassion is the best tool in your arsenal when dealing with this type of situation. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. However, it doesnt always work like that. something random It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Hate is a strong word. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. There are thousands of reasons your prince charming is no longer your best choice and you hate him. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Its possible to dislike your husband and still love them simultaneously. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. She definitely needs to be called on that. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Theres a nicer way to present it. What do I mean? The husband is a coward for not making his wife and kids a priority and the MIL is a mentally ill selfish bitch for expecting everyones life to stop and care for her 24/7. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. Gah, absolutely everything you described thats currently happening is almost word for word post-stroke symptoms. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Hes feeding her a line. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. My point: not all families or bonds are the same.) He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. Of course this is family (a parent! I think there is room for a grain of salt here in how we judge the LW. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Your spouse is your stepchild. to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. So let me see if I understand this. Now If they moved in because he chooses not work right now and they thought it would be easy to just have a free place to crash and that the MIL would be an, easy convenient baby sitter for their kids, then that is something else. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Skyblossom However, my mother-in-law's fault is also to a large extent in all this. What Happens When There Is Lack of Attention in Relationship? Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? Hiring a maid or part time help. My story : . If hes trying his best to make you happy, the least you can do is to appreciate him. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. February 24, 2017, 11:06 am. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. Sounds like your husband is trying to make good on his promise (though his motives dont sound great). Dear Wendy . TaraMonster Is this a normal feeling? something random The best El Paso TX information website. If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to loving each other. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. RedRoverRedRover I hear you. Put her in an elderly home already! Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. I wouldnt exactly be thrilled to live under those conditions either. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Because if so, wasnt she stewing in her own filth then too? Talk about sweet! He blames you for the problems in your relationship. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. . Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. Just really need to rant. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. June 18, 2015, 9:53 am. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind. Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. Its a great solution and if you can find the entire building for sale, its actually often cheaper to purchase than a home that would provide you with the same amount of rooms. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. How? June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. This is why I love this site any arguements due to misreadings are address and moved on from quickly. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. Because with or without LW and husband physically living in the house, mothers life doesnt sound so great, especially compounded by whatever lingering issues from the past stroke, etc. . Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . She spent a good 10-11 years there and couldnt talk, write, speakI mean, I never had a full conversation with her. . I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. I feel like we need to try harder to see all sides here. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. She didnt know what she was signing up for. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. . We were on the same page. But realistically, it sounds like it was just that you lived separately and helped her out less? If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? I just can't deal with my mil. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? Possibly. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. Is there a senior center in your community? If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? My apologies for my careless reading and commenting. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. As for being totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition before they moved in? It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. . As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? Understanding why you feel resentment in your marriage is the first step to understanding the full spectrum of emotions you harbor and deciding where your. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. I didn't care because we were 16 & I kept secrets from my parents too so who cares. Also. We bought the entire building because the owner was selling it. Wow- LW sounds horrible and whiney, poor husband,he married his mother. Right? It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. TaraMonster But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. Why do I hate my husband? I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. But in a marriage, couples may often feel like they hate each other. June 18, 2015, 11:29 am. Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. 2. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. Raccoon eyes If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. I forgot about the honey thing. 7. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. I promised my mom that she could live in the east wing of my giant mansionguess whatshes not holding me to a promise I made as a child. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. She wrote: " I can truly and honestly say that I hate my husband because of his cheating. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. I understand that she must have felt desperate, but shes calling out her MIL for having bad judgment (as a mother and grandmother), when it seems like the LWs judgment is questionable, too. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! Good luck. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). I dunno. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. Maybe she needs a more active social life. Is that right? If she does in fact have mental health issues, whether or not they are consequent to the stroke, they should be assessed and addressed appropriately, but that doesnt excuse her demanding and entitled behaviour either. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. , RedRoverRedRover No biggie. Bittergaymark Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. You might hate your husband because he prioritizes only himself. ? I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. Even life is full of ups and downs. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. I hate my husband. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. It will complicate your marriage more. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. Its really not that hard. Those arent excuses. Start by doing the following: The goal is to make your husband understand your feelings and save your marriage. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. . TaraMonster Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. Do what you can to make it easier for all of you, help out, and chill. She came into this house totally unaware of the current state of her MILs condition, was totally unprepared to handle it, and her husband seemingly isnt on board with making changes (ie he wants to buy another house eventually and keep on living together). Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. Skyblossom Raccoon eyes LW, presumably your husband was fulfilling his promise sufficiently to take care of his mother before you all moved in with her so what steps can you take to get back to that status quo? Typical lovers arent just intimate with each other; they are also best friends. From time immemorial, we hear more awful marriage experiences than good ones. You. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. Who the fuck cares? Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. However, its just for a short while. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. These were her decisions to make. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. Nope, sorry dont buy it. . Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. Id say, yeah, she needs to run like hell and find her own place before she burns the place down cause shes walked off and left the stove on with food cooking on it. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. The challenge to my marriage. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. Its not easy, but its necessary. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. Like other things in life, it has its problems. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. We expect it to be a perfect partnership between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. Wheres your compassion for that? I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. Also, I dont really like my MIL. honeybeenicki . But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. to solve the problem. The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Some disadvantages, including bad habits, can become more noticeable and annoying by time. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Radical thought, I know Sigh. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. It sounds like the husband/son is dropping the ball and not fulfilling his promises to either party. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. . June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. All rights reserved. High moral principles. You can completely remove all of the details of the living situation from this letter and theres one thing that still sticks out to me. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). My parents neglected my emotional needs consistently in favour of my more challenging sister. How did you get them?? There is a picture of myself and my grandma when I was about 4, so right after her stroke, and we are baking and placing M&Ms on some cookies about to go in the oven. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? From your original comment I wouldnt have known. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. Its easy to shift blame to others. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc.

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